I creep through the basement on my tiptoes looking for a toy in the back room. As I sneak around I begin the debate in my head: do I continue to creep and hope They don’t find me, or do I sing the church songs that I know They don’t like, letting Them know I’m here, but keeping Them away? I settle for singing the church songs, feeling a sense of protection, but singing quietly, just in case, maybe They won’t discover me. I find what I am looking for and fly up the stairs. Once I am safely there, I can stop singing, but I know They found me.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
All children are afraid of the monsters that they think are lurking in the shadows; in the basement, under the bed, in the closet. Most children eventually outgrow that fear, because their monsters weren’t real. I wasn’t most children.
There really were monsters in my basement. There were monsters under my bed, in my closet, in the bathroom, on the ceiling. Everywhere I went I felt that crawling of skin between my shoulders that told me I was being followed. I never saw anyone behind me though and would wave my hand behind my back in a desperate, yet futile attempt to make the feeling go away.
I loved playing with sand, but never for digging in. All the other children hatched grand schemes to dig through the earth to China, but I wanted no part in this. I was convinced that beneath that thin layer of sand lay the Devil himself, and in my mind’s eye I could see him laughing at me, just waiting for me to unearth him. As a child, that was the extent of my “seeing” the monsters.
As I got older, the Veil between two parallel worlds began to thin. It began as a thick curtain that allowed me to be aware of something on the other side, but unable to see what was over there. In my late teens, the veil became very thin, and I often saw what lurked around me; around all of us. What I could see was very real, but was akin to looking through a thick screen rather than just seeing Them like I see my family and friends.
One night as I lay in bed, I became acutely aware that I was not alone. I opened my eyes to what looked like a sea of black floating above me. Then the blackness began to separate into individual dark, smoky, shadowlike figures. Hundreds of them. This alone, was terrifying, but they weren’t there just to frighten me. A moment later they began dive-bombing me. I closed my eyes, hoping that this was just a dream, but it was not. Despite my eyes being squeezed tightly, I could still feel Them, choking me, trying to take me. I lay there, coughing, sputtering, desperate for air, but every breath I attempted stopped before making it to my lungs. Short of oxygen, I could no longer think clearly and over taken with fear only one word would form in my mind. “God.” I clung to that one word, the Man who saved me two thousand years before my birth saved me again by being the anchor to which my stormy mind clung. I repeated The Word over and over, until finally after what seemed hours, They loosed their grip, recognizing that there was a Presence much stronger winning this battle over my soul. The Darkness began to dissipate and I took a deep, much needed breath of air. That night was life changing for me where it comes to dealing with evil. God told me that with Him in my heart/soul there was no room for anything else and the only control They had over me was fear. If I caved in to this fear, it could destroy me, but there were eight magical seeming words that gave control back to me.
“In the Name of Jesus Christ, be gone.”
Variations of this phrase have saved me countless times. When I feel or see an evil presence in the room with me, if I can get it together before the fear takes over, I can banish Them and take the power back. This has not stopped Them from trying, however.
Evil usually comes to me in the darkness and loneliness of night when I am most vulnerable. Another night that I remember as vividly as the one that changed everything began with lying in bed, saying my night time prayers and then rolling over to see the most gruesome thing I’ve ever seen outside of a horror movie. This Thing was beastly; part reptilian, part a patchwork of other creatures. It had long, razor like teeth, dripping with an acidic saliva and it was baring those teeth in my face. Though I could tell it was staring at me, I couldn’t detect its eyes. Just as it began to lunge toward me, I shot up a prayer, begging for help, and something I’ve never seen before or again appeared. My room filled with weaponed, armored, soldiers. I knew two things immediately: these were The Good Guys, and the Thing must have been really bad for reinforcements to be called in. The Beast whipped toward them, narrowly missing slicing me with its tail, and through the Veil I watched a battle unfold. Swords and shields clanged as they fought off the Beast and banished it back to wherever it had come from. I whispered a prayer of thanks, and the soldiers disappeared just as suddenly as they had shown up.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that people don’t like me using this ability to see the other parts of our world to inform them of what they don’t see. I remember in college, walking into a friend’s dorm room and crouched atop her bookshelf was one of Them, waiting for her to get near. I grabbed her arm and told her, “There’s a demon in your room.” She jerked away from me, angry or frightened, and said “Don’t tell me that!” I thought, I’d want someone to tell me if there was something evil that I couldn’t see. Besides, I made it leave, so she really didn’t have anything to be frightened of. Except the realization that there’s more than what we see every day, or perhaps thinking that her friend was crazy.
I’ve told myself time and time again, when fear strikes that “With Jesus in my heart/soul there is no room for anything else.” While I firmly believe this, I’ve come to realize something…They may not be able to get in, but They can latch on. Over time, I’ve seen less and less of the evil creatures that used to haunt my waking hours. It’s been a strange feeling. I am unsure if They gave up on trying to get me, or if God decided I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it and took the ability to see them away. The Veil is now a thick curtain, leaving me mildly aware of presences, but no longer able to see Them. Because of this, I’ve just gone on with my life, almost forgetting about the Things I used to see and fight.
A few months ago, some Thing must have realized this and latched onto me before I even realized it was in the room with me. I didn’t see it, I didn’t feel it watching me. Suddenly I was just carrying around something evil like an unwanted piggy back ride. Looking back, I remember the moment it happened, but at the time I was so wrapped up in the stress of my life that I wrote it off like a joke.
I was at work, sitting on the floor and suddenly a cold wind rushed through me, not past me, but through me. I remember jokingly telling people that I’d been touched by a ghost, never actually believing in them. As the days went on, I became very angry and began having very dark thoughts. Things moved around me without being touched. Every where I went, things would fly off shelves towards me, sometimes while I was looking, sometimes hitting me as I walked away from them. I began to question things I’d always felt confident in: my faith, God, wondering if hauntings actually happened. It still took a dangerously long time for me to realize what was happening. When I began hearing a voice telling me to harm people, ways to do it without being caught, I finally realized that these were not my own thoughts. I know myself enough to know that I have never wanted to harm anything. It took a lot of prayer and remembering the lessons that God taught me to banish this Thing, because it wasn’t just observing me. It was attached to me, hoping to push its way into my soul by first confusing me into creating a leak that would push God out and allow It in. With the help of God I was able to force it out and off of me and He thinned the Veil very slightly; enough to make me aware of what’s happening around me, but not enough to see Them. It’s a strange feeling. Something that so defined my existence as a child and teenager because it affected me so constantly is now just a tiny little flicker that appears on the rarest of occasions. It’s not that I want to see evil creatures again, because it was truly terrifying. I just feel like I had this cool ability that I don’t anymore.
My mom asked me once if I ever saw good things or if it was always bad. It was mostly bad, but it had its good moments too. When I was about eight years old, shortly after my grandfather had passed, I remember praying about it, and reaching my hands into the air and because I had the faith of a child, I felt someone grab my hands, giving me comfort. Those Hands that comforted me as a little girl still bring me peace as an adult, no matter what trials life puts me through. Those Hands are attached to a loving Father, who, though I do not always understand, I can’t even pretend to understand, I know that I can trust.
